My Mutie

If my grandmother were a bat, this is what her face would have looked like when she called me today.

Mutie: "Amy, have you been getting my messages? About this bat? I just want you to know I don't want you to eat this bat. I think you're insane. I think you're nuts"

Note name-calling. 'Member what I said about being in therapy? Yeah.

Me: "I can tell you don't want me to eat the bat. You have made it abundantly clear."

Mutie: "YOU COULD DIE!"

Me: "I suppose I could. In fact, most people end up dead. It's very likely I will die. But have you actually looked into the potential risks of eating bats?"

Mutie: "Everyone I know agrees with me. You're nuts. And your father-in-law, he's a little nutty, too".

At this point, I am imagining my poor Mutie at a bridge game with her bridge pals, eating cucumber sandwiches and bemoaning her insane granddaughter to all the hens. The hens agree with her, making them experts. I, on the other hand, have consulted Google using a number of strategic keyword searches. Who's the expert now? Huh?!?!

Me: "I know I'm nuts. I know he's nuts. Tell me something I don't know. Like your actual reason for thinking I will die if I eat one measly bat."

Mutie: "They're full of rabies! [Yes, she actually said it again]. They are DISEASED! They have every disease on the face of the earth!"

Me: ...

Mutie: "Well, you can tell your father-in-law that if anything happens to you, I'll never forgive him."

Me: "Ok?"

Mutie: "In fact, you can tell him if you die I'll...what is it? Lookit, what is it?"

Me "Press charges?"

Mutie [laughing]: "Yeah. That's it, I'll press charges!"

Me: "Well, Mutie, I'm glad to know you care about me..."

Mutie: "You bet I care. I care if you're dead. Let me tell you, Amy, nineteen thousand dollars won't seem like anything in a few years...if you're not dead!"

Me: ...

Mutie: "I guess it won't seem like much if you are dead either."

Me: "No, I suppose it won't"

Mutie: "Well, lookit, I'll let you go. But I think you are out of your mind if you even think about considering this bat deal."

Me: "Mutie, you had a hysterical fit when I wanted to go to Uganda because you said I would get kidnapped. And going to Uganda was about the best thing I ever did. You cried wolf!"

Mutie: "If you eat this bat, you are an idiot. I love you. Talk to you later."

Me: "Bye, Mutie."

Mutie: "BYE BYE."

Nothing undermines a good cause like a bad argument against it. The only reason not to eat a bat is...did you see that picture?