Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The first law of thermodynamics

I am about to lose it. This is not a joke; someone is going to get hurt. You wanna know who?

The first person I catch propping the door to my building open when it is over ninety degrees outside. That's who.

In Utah the temperatures are extreme. I would estimate we get about six weeks total of temperate climate per year and the rest of the time it is either freezing and snowing (and trapping massive quantities of airborne filth against the mountains for us to breathe) or so hot that my face hurts and I never want to leave the house. For this reason buildings in Utah are almost always constructed with two entrance doors such that a small atrium is created between the two to minimize the loss of warm (in the winter) or cool (in the summer) air from the building. I think it's a great design. It seems to be be effective. So what I want to know is what kind of total bozo feels the need to prop the inside door open when it is hot as blazes outside? WHO? WHO ARE YOU!?!? YOU IDIOT!!!!

I go in and out of the building several times a day and each time I unprop the door. You bet I do. What I want to know is why someone keeps repropping it? Most of the energy in Utah is produced using coal, which is obvious if you look at our grimy skyline. And, even if you have no remote interest in the earth you are raping, at least perhaps you notice the power bill that will be higher if the hallway is ninety degrees than if it is seventy. Do the math, folks. Run the numbers. You are controlling the ambient temperature in the parking lot.

I am nearing the end of my rope, which is to say, I am considering staking the place out and lecturing anyone who dares to prop under my watch. I don't care who they are or how many groceries they are carrying. All I care about is the flagrant disregard for the physical laws that govern our universe and the impact on my nervous system of said disregard. It's time to take action. No matter how impractical, I will probably never stop fantasizing about the stake out, but I have a hard time seeing how I am going to find time to hold a 24 hour stake out when I can barely find time to post on my really popular blog. For heaven's sake.

I am inclined to leave a note on the door, but every brainstorm ends up including both a detailed explanation of the first law of thermodynamics and threats to slash tires if I find out who the proppers are. This tone, somehow, I doubt would be optimally convincing. If, however, you would like to pen a few thoughts, a limerick perhaps, about why they should leave the blessed door closed, I will print and post it. Rage has blinded my creative side.


Kelsey said...

I think your rage is quite justified. No need to cite saving the earth, just appeal to their rational (if they have one) side.

Dear Door Proper-

It has come to my attention that you have overlooked the whole idea behind the well designed double door system in place in our lovely apartment complex. I can see how that might have happened because of your unfortunate case of heat stroke. You see, this door is here to keep the hot out. Because it's really hot outside. And we all want it cool on the inside. So please take one second of your life and close this door when you are done entering/exiting so that the rest of us will have a nice summer. Or at least not get heat stroke and fall inot a blinding rage against door propers.

With gratitude and dimished rage,


Jen said...

There once was a resident named Pamy
Propped open doors made her angry.
She picked up some rocks,
Knocked off the proppers socks,
Then she skipped down the halls rather gaily.

I hate slant rhyme. Just consider the slant rhyme as a punishment for the propper.

I tried the yamrritos. They were good, but I think I would like them more with nice fatty refried beans instead of yams. And cheese, and maybe some nice melted lard over the top.

Flood said...

Dear Madam or Sir who is propping,
I have to insist on your stopping.
The doors are designed to
keep AC confined to
the building, so limit your shopping.

Ann Marie said...

Hey! I haven't commented in a while, but been stalking you silently instead.

I can feel the rage way out here in Sacramento! I can certainly understand. Good luck.

Jill said...

It is 111 here