Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Truth About Pregnancy

Everyone I know is pregnant.

Ok, not everyone, but I have been co-gestating with over ten people. Two weeks ago, the first gave birth. The second, yesterday, and today, the third.

I would like to be next, please. I have to write about 15 more pages, and then it's baby time.

Before becoming pregnant, I marveled at the great desire of women at full-term to go into labor, the most notoriously painful of all human experiences. How bad could pregnancy be, that women would drink castor oil while riding horseback on a trampoline in hopes of instigating the most painful thing they would likely experience in their lifetimes?

It's becoming clearer with each passing day.

I have been neglectful of documenting my expansion. It's hard to photograph oneself when one feels as though most disease states would be preferable to one's current condition. However, Ryan has captured a couple of moments on his phone which I will now share with you.

If I were the sort of person with dignity, I would post only this picture, taken at 37 weeks and three days:But, I am here to tell you the truth. The whole truth and nothing but. I am here to be honest with you, even at the expense of my very dignity. Also, I am not above a self-deprecating joke. For these reasons, I share the following, taken the same day as the photo above:

There. Now you know what pregnancy really looks like. That face. That outfit. That abdomen.

I would post a picture of my profile, the kind where you get the gut from the side-view for maximum effect, but standing is too hard.

38 weeks tomorrow, and my last day of work. Next week, come hell or high water, I will finish writing and then have a baby. Even if I have to do it on the back of a trampolining horse while swilling castor oil.


Liz Johnson said...

Hahahahaha you look so awesome. I'm so sorry that you are starting to have that realization. This is why I fault so many OBs who are more than happy to indulge women's desires for an induction - ANY WOMAN, no matter how natural-birthy she is, would beg for that baby to be out. It's taking advantage of women to their detriment in such a vulnerable state. Ugh.

May you have that baby on Monday. Or earlier. Although if the universe decides to play a cruel joke on you and that doesn't happen, I am here for you to swear at until that baby finally makes his debut.

Kate said...

What a strange, strange phenomena. Why can't humans have babies like penguins? Just hatch the egg & give it to the dad to take care of.

Hasta la victoria siempre, champ!

M said...

Oh, I remember those things well. And I remember how desperate I became during the last few weeks of pregnancy. Someone said that if I walked around the block with one foot on the sidewalk, and the other foot in the gutter (straddling the curb while going up-and-down), that would expedite my labor. And I don't know why, but I believed that person. I walked around my block like an idiot for hours, until my bladder couldn't take any more jostling.

I hope your paper gets written quickly.

Liz Johnson said...

@M - I was that idiot too (and it didn't even freaking work). High-five.

the Schrofs... said...

I love your facial expression. I feel a "truth about pregnancy" campaign coming. Similar to the truth about tobacco. I'm at 30 weeks, so I'll be pining for painful delivery for many weeks after you're done!

Zillah said...

good luck with the paper and the castor oil. maybe a horse in one of those inflatable castles? for generic consistency, or something like that.

Megan said...

you are beautiful. and we all look like that ;)

Jen said...

I love the face.

My midwife told me her pagan ritual after I was about five days overdue. Luckily, I went into labor on the way home from that visit, so we didn't have to do it.

You can do it! (Write, and give birth)